Prepare To Engage, In 5,4,3,2...

(photo via rachelunleashed)

So, um... Hi. Great party, huh? I see you know Dan. That's funny because I know Dan. That's so crazy! What are the odds, right? Uh, no, I wasn't staring at your chest. I was just admiring your tattoo. I have a couple myself, you know. So, you live around here? I stay right down the street. Maybe you can come over and we can swap tattoo stories. I even have an extra sleeping bag. We can have sleep over and I'll make you blueberry Eggo waffles for breakfast. You like pizza bagels? Man, I love those things. No, I don't know why I'm sweating so much. Uh, yeah, maybe you can settle an argument between my friend over there, yeah the guy who's eating all the cheese puffs, and myself. He doesn't think your carpet matches the drapes, if you know what I mean. Where as I think they do. Wait, where are you going?! We haven't exchanged numbers yet. What do you mean you don't believe in phones?! Um, let me guess. You don't want everyone up in your business. I'm the same way, babe. I get it. It's your nonchalant way of telling me, I'm getting laid tonight. That's cool. Don't worry, I'll play along. Give me a minute before you come over, I gotta grab the sleeping bag out of my tree fort, or as I like to call it, After Party Central.

Oh By The Way...

(photo via la-passante)

I'm such a sucker for tattooed chicks. I wish I could come home from a long, grueling day at the office, to have her lying on my bed. I can see it now. She'd be waiting patiently until I walk through the bedroom door to pounce on me, like lions pick off weak antelope. I'll be in complete shock to even wonder how the hell she got into the house, let alone in my room. She'll rip off my clothes as if they were on fire and then throw me on to the bed. No words would be spoken, just passionate love making for hours on end. We'd take little, 10 minute breaks to smoke weed and try to muster enough energy to go at it again. After sex, she'll lay her head on my chest. We'll cuddle till the sun comes up without saying a single word. Then when I think I've finally found my soul mate, that I'm the luckiest guy in the world, she'll utter those words that would destroy any hope of us being together: "Oh by the way, you're all out of pot. I smoked most of your stash waiting for you all day." Chicks.