Confession Pt. 1

Every now and again, I believe I'm going to this so-called Hell for the mistakes I've made when I was younger. Call it guilt or paranoia, but if this place actually does exist--I'm hoping it's one big rager instead of what other religions consider it to be. I would never deem myself as a terrible person who is constantly shoveling out evil deeds on others, but Lord knows I've made my fair share. Whether it be for the way I've treated women like objects during my college years; drug pushing to provide a better life for myself and family, while I was destroying others; or the robberies I've committed when I was kid because I needed money and wasn't eager to work hard for it. I'm not sure why I even feel this way sometimes, since I'm no longer a practicing Catholic. Though, I do consider myself to be an Agnostic theist. Ever since I've retired from the street life, I've walked down this road to redemption for the pain and trouble I may have caused others. But at the same time, I have no regrets on how I've lived my life and wouldn't change a thing. Knowing life could one day unexpectedly revert back to that state it was once in, I have yet to break all my underworld ties. I left the game some years ago because the strain and worry it put on someone I cared so dear for. Every day has been on going battle in my mind to keep moving forward and not digress back to that lifestyle. But I can never knock anyone whosever lived it. Hey, It's made me the man I am today. I just can't help but feel that karma will one day catch up with me...

Sometimes I feel like the company I keep is holding me down. Not that they're intentionally keeping me from what I truly want to do with my life, but more like we've reached the point where there's no longer room for growth. They're not bad people at all. To be honest, they're the complete opposite. But more like my current interests, far exceeds what they want out of life. I fear I'll be stuck doing the same shit every weekend--drinking downtown at the same bars for the past 5 years--when knowing I want to do something more productive and meaningful with my life. I want to travel and see the world. I want to do charity work and help the less fortunate. I'm too young to settle down and give into the social delusion that the next step in life is to get married and start a family. I'm not even remotely sure I want either one--ever. At times, I feel horrible for wanting to make new acquaintances to get away from the monotony of my existing friends...

There are some occasions when you come back into town to visit your friends & family, we end up hanging out even though we haven't spoken in years. We get together not because we plan to, but rather due to the fact we share the same friends. It almost feels forced upon us. However uneasy the situation may be for the both of us, we always seem to pick up from the last time we last saw one another. As if, we're still close friends. Even though we dated years ago and have moved on with our lives, I still hold you in high regards. I hope you know that. There are times during these encounters, that our conversations have turned awkward. Please don't take it personal, it's only because...