What's Love Got To Do With It?

So I decided to start another blog called: "Welcome to Heartbreak City", on account of the material I've written in the past that isn't necessarily appropriate for what I usually post here. For those of you that have ever had your heart broken or are experiencing relationship issues and feel like you're all alone, this is a place where you can go and find some closure, one way or another. Whether you need a male's perspective on things or just need an outlet to get your thoughts across, feel free to stop by. Composed in the aspect of a hopeless romantic--it's a collection of my thoughts and encounters, on my persistent quest on finding love--which usually resulted in failure. So don't expect to read some fairy tale, lovey-dovey type bullshit. That sort of romance just doesn't exist in my opinion. Anyway, check it out and let me know what you think.

Confession Pt. 1

Every now and again, I believe I'm going to this so-called Hell for the mistakes I've made when I was younger. Call it guilt or paranoia, but if this place actually does exist--I'm hoping it's one big rager instead of what other religions consider it to be. I would never deem myself as a terrible person who is constantly shoveling out evil deeds on others, but Lord knows I've made my fair share. Whether it be for the way I've treated women like objects during my college years; drug pushing to provide a better life for myself and family, while I was destroying others; or the robberies I've committed when I was kid because I needed money and wasn't eager to work hard for it. I'm not sure why I even feel this way sometimes, since I'm no longer a practicing Catholic. Though, I do consider myself to be an Agnostic theist. Ever since I've retired from the street life, I've walked down this road to redemption for the pain and trouble I may have caused others. But at the same time, I have no regrets on how I've lived my life and wouldn't change a thing. Knowing life could one day unexpectedly revert back to that state it was once in, I have yet to break all my underworld ties. I left the game some years ago because the strain and worry it put on someone I cared so dear for. Every day has been on going battle in my mind to keep moving forward and not digress back to that lifestyle. But I can never knock anyone whosever lived it. Hey, It's made me the man I am today. I just can't help but feel that karma will one day catch up with me...

Sometimes I feel like the company I keep is holding me down. Not that they're intentionally keeping me from what I truly want to do with my life, but more like we've reached the point where there's no longer room for growth. They're not bad people at all. To be honest, they're the complete opposite. But more like my current interests, far exceeds what they want out of life. I fear I'll be stuck doing the same shit every weekend--drinking downtown at the same bars for the past 5 years--when knowing I want to do something more productive and meaningful with my life. I want to travel and see the world. I want to do charity work and help the less fortunate. I'm too young to settle down and give into the social delusion that the next step in life is to get married and start a family. I'm not even remotely sure I want either one--ever. At times, I feel horrible for wanting to make new acquaintances to get away from the monotony of my existing friends...

There are some occasions when you come back into town to visit your friends & family, we end up hanging out even though we haven't spoken in years. We get together not because we plan to, but rather due to the fact we share the same friends. It almost feels forced upon us. However uneasy the situation may be for the both of us, we always seem to pick up from the last time we last saw one another. As if, we're still close friends. Even though we dated years ago and have moved on with our lives, I still hold you in high regards. I hope you know that. There are times during these encounters, that our conversations have turned awkward. Please don't take it personal, it's only because...

I Digress...

For the past 2 weeks, I've been on this sobriety hiatus, to save up some money to finally pay off my credit cards and most importantly, help clean out my system. During this duration, I forgot how nice it feels just to stay home for once and relax in solitude, away from the smoke filled bars I'm so used to frequenting. Whether it be catching up on some good reading, watching documentaries on the History/Discovery channel, or just watching a classic movie on TCM--it felt good to get away from the constant attempts to drown my liver in alcohol. Not to mention I started feeling sick during this time, which was weird since I hardly get sick, but I thought it necessary to let my body recover for a while. As I think of it now, the time off from partying didn't just help my body recover--but has also helped me shed a couple of pounds off my belly from drinking too much beer. I have stuck to my new routine of working out and even started jogging a little bit, to help get me back in to shape. I was finally feeling healthier than I have for the past couple of weeks...

But this past Thursday, I relapsed. It was my friend Christina's 30th birthday and felt like I should at least stop by her work to wish her a happy birthday, since it's been a few weeks--since we've last seen or talked to each other. Did I mention she bar tends at Matador? Well, she does. Knowing fully the likelihood of me going out to a bar without having a few drinks were slim, I figured I owed it to myself to enjoy a night out and break my streak. There were times during the day I considered backing out and sticking to my new routine, but the more she updated me on how horrible her day was going and wished her birthday were already over, didn't help sway my decision on staying home. In effort to cheer her up, I decided to stop by Matador while she was working and surprise her with a little present. Before I headed downtown, I stopped by Publix and picked up a box of Hostess cupcakes and birthday candles to use for a birthday cake. You ask why I would do this? It's because I'm not an asshole 24/7. I'd like to think my random acts of kindness can make a difference in someone's life, regardless, how big the gesture. Plus when I met her earlier this year, she informed me of some bad birthdays she experience from her childhood and conveyed why she didn't like celebrating the day at all. So hey, why not try to make a difference in someones life, especially on their birthday. Maybe my feeble attempt to surprise her would rewrite how she felt about her born day. To say the least, it didn't make everything better, but it helped... I'm okay with that.

I did end up drinking a lot that night, to the point it took me almost 12 hours the next day to fully sober up. Ridiculous, huh? Hence the title of this post. I also came up with the stupid idea that avoiding beer and

drinking liquor for the rest of the night, would help curb some weight gain from my alcohol consumption. Haha. Anyway, good times were had. It was good to get out of the house and see a few friends, while listening to some good music. No regrets here. It's a new week and I'm ready to start over again...

Completely off tangent, I did manage to also smoke this weekend. I rarely touch the stuff now-a-days and when I do, I usually get extremely paranoid. Sometimes to the point I don't even enjoy it and question why I did it in the first place. This time I got to the point I thought I was really being watched!

After spending all day Friday recovering from the previous night, Saturday afternoon I headed to the beach with a couple of friends to enjoy a beach day. Unfortunately by the time we finished eating at Ron Jon's, a thunderstorm had already rolled in and ruined our chances of enjoying our fun in the sun, before it even got started. FML. I forget Florida summers coerce it's inhabitants to wake up earlier in the day to have an opportunity to bask in the sun, before afternoon showers move in. Weird thing happened on the drive back when we got caught in the middle of this huge thunderstorm, where it's raining so heavy and you can't even see 5 ft. in front of you. I swear Florida has the worst torrential rain, ever! Anyway, The Foo Fighter's song: "D.O.A." came on the radio while we were driving thru it. I seriously felt like I was on some "Final Destination" type shit. It seriously creeped me out. Luckily there weren't too many cars on the road during the time and we made it home safe and sound. Whew!

Tonight, I went to the movies and watched "Away We Go" with a friend. I thought it was a cute film that dealt with finding peace of mind and security while trying to raise a family. I swear Sam Mendes makes some beautiful, yet insightful indie flicks. I also received "Revolutionary Road" in the mail from Netflix this weekend, but have yet to watch it.

I've been waiting since Sundance to finally watch this flick! The 31st can't come soon enough...



On a good note, I maybe going to Chicago at the end of August since this month's trip was scrubbed. I can't wait! Hopefully everyone had a great weekend. If not, too bad.


-Signing off from the trenches-

Walking Disaster

So, I some how figured out how to bruise the inside of my left wrist without consciously knowing it. I woke up the next day baffled upon seeing it and tried to retrace my steps from the previous day, to uncover how I might have obtained this beauty mark, but no to avail. WTF?! I wasn't even drunk. Sad I can't even remember when I'm sober. I tend to bruise easily anyway. It's probably due to vitamin C deficiency, but who knows. Chances are the next time you see me on the street, I'll have a new bruise to chat about. Anyway, I figured I'd share this useless piece of information with you, assuming there's anyone even reading this...

* This photo was taken before the bruise fully turned black & blue. Now my wrist looks like it has track marks from shooting heroin.

Team America - Fuck Yeah!!!

When I think of celebrating the 4th of July, I think of laying out on the beach, boozing with friends, barbecues (burgers, hot dogs, freedom fries) and of course the customary firework display. It's hard to imagine not commemorating the holiday without gazing up at the vibrant sky, lighting up with an assortment gaudy explosions. As if the heavens were having their annual rager, to kick off the summer and you were just fortunate enough to witness the festivities from outside the venue. It's funny how I just pictured that. But this year, I did none of the above. I felt like changing things up for once and decided to head to the Bacardi B-Live Concert at the House of Blues, instead of watching the traditional firework spectacle you observe every year. Without question, an excellent choice to honor our forefathers. Did I mention the concert was free?! No? Well, it was. Jealous? Though I did spend a good amount of money on steep drinks and immediately remembered why I try to avoid tourist areas for that reason. I'm also traumatized about driving in tourist areas, due to the fact of my car being a moving target for out-of-towners in the past. In my opinion, the only setback to the event was that they only served Bacardi and nothing else. I'm not really a fan of drinking rum, let alone the Bacardi brand. No other types of liquors were sold, which makes perfect sense from a business standpoint since they were the ones sponsoring the event, yet they also decided not to serve any beer. WTF?! I felt like asking the bartender: "Are you seriously trying to give everyone D.U.I.'s for the holiday?!" Don't get me wrong. I'm not mad at Bacardi. They're just trying to make money and market their product. It just would've been nice to have some more options, if you felt like switching it up. Needless to say, I was drinking Bacardi & Coke all night. Ugh. Still, nothing like enjoying a free concert with close friends and dancing the night away to great music. Though I was baffled that the concert wasn't sold out and wasn't as nearly packed as I was expecting, which I guess was also a good thing. It was a good mix of a crowd made up predominately of hipsters and hip-hop heads. If you weren't there, you definitely missed out. There's not many good acts that tour through Orlando and play a free show...

The highlight of my night was when I got to see Matt & Kim perform live. I've been stoked all week to finally have the opportunity to see them in concert. They certainly brought good energy to the stage and what I could only describe as a "dance party" vibe to the event, which was overshadowed by hip-hop beats. I found Kim so adorable, since she kept a huge smile on her face, the whole time she was playing the drums. But don't let the smile fool you, the chick can seriously rock out. Pardon the picture above. It was taken on my iPhone...

Also, I got to witness DJ Jazzy Jeff spin another dope hip-hop set, for the second time around. How awesome would it be if Fresh Prince came out to join him? But nothing compares to the set I heard him play during the Scion yacht party a few years back, during the W.M.C. (Winter Music Conference) down in Miami. A booze cruise with a few hundred people sailing around the Port of Miami, while listening to some classic hip-hop and soulful house music. Plus, it was also free (open bar & appetizers). Come on! It's hard to top that...

All in all, good times were had. I even got to lay out pool side earlier that day, to recover from the previous two nights. So far, I'm content on how this summer is turning out... Hope everyone enjoyed the holiday weekend with friends and family. If not, you're not a God damn American! On a serious note, please keep in mind the soldiers over seas, that are sacrificing their own lives, to fight for our so-called freedom. Shit ain't free, you know. On a happier note, I felt it appropriate to post the picture below.

(photo via olivia allin)

-Signing off from the trenches-

Nothing Lasts Forever

Forever. Ha! I laugh at the very thought someone would actually believe in such a thing. Hogwash! Doesn't anyone know that nothing lasts forever?

For those who use the word forever, as a testament of their love towards their significant other, please refrain from doing so. The expression is simply not possible. I'm not saying the love you share for each other will never last. Rather that it's subjected to change, like everything in this world, for better or worse. I know I'm rationalizing at the moment, and when you're "in love", that tends to go out the window. But I've learned from experience, to just keep that particular word out of phrases of intimacy. It can only cause you grief in the future. For instance, the love you had for your college sweetheart, will never be the same as when you were both in college, due to the fact of unexpected changes and experiences you endure along the way, however big or small, will always alter this love one way or another. Like all things in this world, even love, nothing remains constant. Thus your love cannot always be the same...


I like the motto: "Live Fast, Die Young". I consider myself a risk taker in my own right and tried to experience as much as life has to offer, whether it be good for my well being or not. I'm not promoting a self-destructive lifestyle. No, far from it. Though I did have my moments. More like I'm encouraging individuals to enjoy every waking moment of their life. Every breath that you take is one step closer to your very own death. So why not enjoy every single breath you take, doing something you love. I know it sounds so cliche, but it's true. When I was in high school, I always thought in the back of my mind, I wouldn't live to be 18 years old, and somehow leave this world in a tragic death (car accident, suicide, murder,etc). So I lived like a rebel, with nothing to lose, and encountered things at a young age most people wouldn't experience till their latter years. Here I am, 27 years old and marveling how far I've come from that dark period of my life. I have no regrets about it at all. It help make me the man I am today. Crazy as it sounds, I still do have this zealous desire to die saving a small child from a near death experience. Sort of like my "going out in a blaze of glory"/path to redemption, for all the fucked up shit I did when I was a kid, type scenario. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be in the the business of performing righteous acts for the sake of being labeled a hero. No, that's not me. I'll leave that for our armed forces, police officers, firefighters, etc. But rather for the importance of protecting something still pure and innocent in exchange for my life, seems truly poetic. One can only hope, this is how I go out...

Speaking of death, I've always wondered about this so-called Heaven and if it maybe a little overrated than it truly is. If you're wondering why I'm even posting a topic about heaven, it's because I was raised Roman Catholic. Ugh. I know. Before I lost my faith in the religion and it's teachings, I often pondered about the after life. Mostly my questions consisted of: "If there's a dress code or are clothes optional?, Could you make your own heaven from scratch, instead of the traditional puffy white clouds backdrop?, Are you allowed to throw ragers once in a while?, etc." As much as these insignificant inquiries sounded, it always left me baffled and curious to know what lay a head. But as I grew older and began to notice my body slowly deteriorating, these questions turned in to deep and troubling thoughts of uncertainty. I started to reflect on my life and what I've accomplished thus far. Death has a funny way of putting your life in perspective. Life and death, go hand in hand. It finally dawned on me, though I've always done things my own way and never followed the majority, I didn't have much to show for it. But when you're lying on your death bed, looking back on the life you've lived, as long you're content with the outcome, does it really matter what others think? I believe so. There are times though, that my thoughts contradict themselves. Yeah, I traveled to distant places some folks would only dream of visiting and partied my health away like there's no tomorrow. But when I returned back home, I felt like something in my life was missing. That I was only planning my next vacation to eagerly escape this perpetual void in my life. My mom has always wanted to see my graduate college and find a career I loved. Yet I never finished college, so in turn I never had a legitimate career. In reality, I was just working to fund my travels. Which isn't a bad plan when you're young, but I'm not getting any younger. How long can I possibly keep this up? I need to get my priorities in order to achieve what I want out of life...

Let's get back to the matter at hand, shall we? To be honest, I rather "Laugh with the sinners, than to cry with the saints", so to speak. But if for some strange reason, there's some clerical mix-up with God's paperwork, and I end up in this magical concentration camp, I better have the same freedoms as people who are still living on earth do (Except for the prisoners at Guantanamo). For instance, let's say you die at the early age of 3 years old and you end up in heaven. Do you at least get a choice to what age you want to spend eternity as with a bunch of insecure, goody two- shoes, or is that not an option at all? If not, then deport my ass straight to hell as quickly as possible. Who wants to die as a baby and live in this invisible place in the sky, as one also? WTF?! Same goes for individuals who weren't fortunate enough to die before they reached 90 years old and had to experience adult diapers and the agony of seeing their loved ones die, before they did. I sure as hell don't want to end up as a senior citizen in heaven, either. If I could find a happy medium between the two, I'd like to die in my twenties...

I never tried to plan too far out ahead in my life and always took it day by day. I know some individuals would consider this type of behavior to be irresponsible, and maybe it is. But it's my life and I'm prepared to deal with the consequences. If I happen to die tomorrow, I'm happy how my life turned out and have no regrets. I lived it my way and by my own set of rules (That's the existentialist in me, coming out)...

"Life is what happens to you, when you're busy making other plans" -John Lennon

So stop planning out every detail of your life and live in the moment, for once. I know I will...

On a happier note, this made me laugh. Enjoy losers!!!



-Signing off from the trenches-

Father's Day Sonata

(Verse 1)
As a kid growing up
Always chose to be different
Wanted a better life than you provided
My path changed that instant
Went against everything you said
Nothing made any sense
Your words were just irrelevant
I had my mind set
So I...

(Chorus)
Wasted years off my life
Trying not to be like you
Pursuing the impossible
Making my dreams come true
Till one day I realized
The one thing I already knew
All roads lead somewhere
Mine leads back to you

(Verse 2)
Bitter throughout the years
Estranged to say the least
Kept chasing what I was after
You shook your head in disbelief
Resentment built up
Turned to the bottle for relief
Pipe dream is what you called it
I saw it as my destiny
To make something of myself
The man you couldn't bare to see
So I...

(Chorus)

(Verse 3)
As I grew older
The more I understood your point of view
Can't say I agree on how you handled it
But who the hell, would've knew
That it gave me the drive to succeed
Transform my dreams, to reality
So I...

Guess you can say, I owe it all to you.

Untitled
-C.a.M.-

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